Last March, I moved out and lived on my own for the first time. I had been doing fairly well, wasn't on any medications. It felt like something I had to do. My first apartment (a one-bedroom) was in an old, 15-unit building. It was quite large for the amount of rent I paid. There was coin laundry in the basement.
At first, I was anxious, worrying that I had made the wrong decision, but I started to feel more comfortable the more I figured out which things go where. The anxiety didn't go away, though, and my mood started to sink. The stress of trying to survive on my own, loneliness, and a multitude of other problems, like my neighbour constantly yelling at her dog, was really getting to me. I started on a new medication and made plans to move.
I now rent a room in the gorgeous 1920's house of a member from my mother's church. Having other people to say "hello" to at least, has been nice. My mood had been improving on the new meds, to the point that I attempted taking a chemistry course. The drug's effects seem to be wearing off, though, and my mood has plummeted again. I dropped out of the course and am now generally miserable. I feel useless and have started to hate myself (something I've never experienced before). I've been having suicidal thoughts; I worry I may act on them. I promised myself I'd never attempt suicide again...
Friday, October 26, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
I feel terrible.
Tonight at night school we started covering moles and molar mass (grade 11 chemistry). The teacher didn't give a very in depth explanation of how to calculate these things. I had completed part of this course through correspondence a few years back, but it was like learning it again for the first time.
I feel stupid, like I should know this stuff. I know this is just one of those useless human emotions, but I can't shake the feeling.
I spoke to my mother about taking on more courses at a time in order to re-enter university by next Fall. She was concerned that I would not be able to handle it. She's probably right, which makes me feel worse. I haven't been able to complete a course in years; I always let my mood get in the way.
Am I just really weak-willed? I've heard of/spoken with numerous people who were able to keep going, be productive, despite suffering from depression. They kept on working anyway. I really don't know how they did it. Whenever my mood drastically lowers, I just cannot function. I can't even contemplate doing some of the simplest things, like brushing my teeth, let alone getting to class.
Tonight at night school we started covering moles and molar mass (grade 11 chemistry). The teacher didn't give a very in depth explanation of how to calculate these things. I had completed part of this course through correspondence a few years back, but it was like learning it again for the first time.
I feel stupid, like I should know this stuff. I know this is just one of those useless human emotions, but I can't shake the feeling.
I spoke to my mother about taking on more courses at a time in order to re-enter university by next Fall. She was concerned that I would not be able to handle it. She's probably right, which makes me feel worse. I haven't been able to complete a course in years; I always let my mood get in the way.
Am I just really weak-willed? I've heard of/spoken with numerous people who were able to keep going, be productive, despite suffering from depression. They kept on working anyway. I really don't know how they did it. Whenever my mood drastically lowers, I just cannot function. I can't even contemplate doing some of the simplest things, like brushing my teeth, let alone getting to class.
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