(Relation)shipwreck

When I was 18, I experienced my first, and to date, only, relationship. Of the few things I regret, this is high on the list.

I met J- at YAP. I had been in the program for nearly a year when she arrived. The class was doing some sort of crafty thing, and we were joking about how the new students never stayed (a great number of new classmates were never seen after their first day); she took this as a personal insult and responded with biting remarks. In all my life, I've never had someone hate me so much within mere hours of meeting (this should have been a warning sign). Afterwards, during group therapy, she expressed her anger that we were trying to get rid of her. I assured her that it was light-hearted, and that I can often come across as insulting, though that is never my intention. I did not know it at the time, but it seems she was instantly smitten...

J- became close to my friend C-, and we got together to hang out a number of times. One time, after giving me a ride home, I hugged C- goodbye, as I do with many of my friends, and J- asked for one as well. I did so. She then asked for a kiss. I was completely taken aback! I clumsily said "no" and hurried inside. C- later told me that J- was crazy about me.

At first I was very confused, but I started to entertain the idea of a relationship. I eventually invited her over and had my first kiss that night (not counting my "girlfriend" in nursery school). We began dating. We went way too fast, for me, anyway. She really wanted to have sex, which I was nowhere near ready for, so we stuck to some very minor stuff (still outside my comfort zone). You must understand that well into junior high, I could barely stand physical human contact, and the idea of sex repulsed me (the former still being a problem at times), so it was really crazy for me.

Anyway, the relationship lasted less than a month. I began to realize that I didn't really like her; I was just so thrilled to have someone want me. I broke it off. The next day, I called just to see how she was doing; she was suicidal and took a bunch of pills while we were talking. I ended up sending an ambulance to her place. Bad day.