Spider-Man, Spider-Man...

As a child, I would often become delirious when I had a fever, always while I was in bed for the night. The first time I experienced it, I was terrified because the giant robot spiders (from the episode of the original Spider-Man cartoon I had watched that day) were going to zap my mother.

Along with the dream sequences, my delirium usually included 3 uncomfortable sensations. First, there was the feeling of having a balloon in my throat (kind of like the piece of rubber stretched over your mouth when getting a filling at the dentist), choking me. Second, there was the sensation of wrapping myself around a sharp, thin wire (~1mm diameter), which at the same time was a concrete pillar (~2ft diameter). I don't know how else to put it. Third, there was always some task I had to do which would spin out of control. For example, I would have to sort or pack a bunch of balls, which kept multiplying and multiplying, making me despair that I would never finish the job. Sometimes there was just one ball (they were always yellow) which continued to expand, becoming bigger than the planet, the galaxy, even. Terrifying. These three sensations always felt as if they were building up, threatening to engulf me (how I feel sometimes when I have bad anxiety).

I haven't been delirious in years. In my teens, however, I began experiencing those sensations outside of the delirium. I could even feel them in various body parts, like my arm would be choking on a balloon. This is basically impossible to tell anyone without them thinking me mad (they may be right). It still happens to me, every once in a while.

Twice this past week, while trying to sleep I got the wire/concrete thing. It started in my torso, migrating then to my legs. The same engulfing panic ensued and I had to get up and do something to distract the feeling away.

Somniphobia?

Alors, it is nearly 3:00 am, and the keen observer will note that I am not asleep. I've dealt with insomnia for many years, though of late I have developed what I can only describe as a "dread" of going to sleep. When this occurs, I do try to force myself to sleep, though it does not always work, such as right now. I've been using my time awake researching various sleep disorders.

Somniphobia seems to be the best candidate. Of course, as with most of the medical "merde" I experience, it's either unexplainable, or only partially describes an accepted diagnosis, to the point of confusion. I've found a wonderful blog post on this particular disorder, with ample comments from fellow sufferers( http://disorder-sleep.blogspot.com/2006/07/somniphobia-fear-of-sleep.html ).

The most common reasons for the "dread" seem to be a fear of dying whilst asleep or having nightmares. I don't fear dying in my sleep -none of that Greek 'Sleep and his twin brother Death', I'm afraid; it would be the best way to go, anyway. I quite enjoy dreaming, and am disappointed when I cannot recall any dreams from the previous night. I don't mind nightmares, either; they may be terrifying at the time, but I find them simply interesting afterwards. Fervently not wanting to sleep contradicts my desire to dream (which is much easier to do while asleep). Some posters also mention a fear of "not being able to sleep", which seems the least logical, and therefore, "logically", it should be the reason for my dread *grins*. Nope. I have to be even more special! *rolls eyes*

Anxiety and depression (both of which I deal with) can also be factors, though the links are not so clear. It is true that some nights, my mind refuses to shut up (in a talking to me kind of way, how I assume "normal" people think; on average, my thoughts seem to be more like...well I don't exactly know how to define it), but this just gives me all the more reason to wish for unconsciousness.

One issue that a few people mention is the paranormal. This may be the root of my phobia, even though this is far from my thoughts during nights like this...As a child I experienced a great deal of the paranormal, which was frightening, to say the least (I'll make a post on the subject later). It just seems odd that something which occurred so long ago could be having an effect now.

Conversely, at times I often dread being awake when I get up in the morning...

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

I have never dealt well with change. It provokes a lot of anxiety for me. This may be a trait of my Asperger's Syndrome. As a child I would take weeks or even months to transition from Winter to Summer clothes, and vice versa. I haven't really outgrown this either. Once I was free from my mother telling me I had to dress for the season, I switched to wearing t-shirts year-round. Going from one grade to another in school was also difficult.

I've been reorganizing my room (more change) the past couple days. I have a ton of Lego: 4 buckets full, plus various creations sitting on shelves. I needed to free-up some room, so I dismantled a number of the things I had built. The Apache attack helicopter (the 1st of my Lego aircraft, built at least 10 years ago) and the Jaguar fighter jet were both "shot-down", along with a few vehicles from my undead army. I cannot possibly convey how hard this was, emotionally.