Boo

Go Go Jason Waterfalls!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Recap of the Past Year

Last March, I moved out and lived on my own for the first time. I had been doing fairly well, wasn't on any medications. It felt like something I had to do. My first apartment (a one-bedroom) was in an old, 15-unit building. It was quite large for the amount of rent I paid. There was coin laundry in the basement.

At first, I was anxious, worrying that I had made the wrong decision, but I started to feel more comfortable the more I figured out which things go where. The anxiety didn't go away, though, and my mood started to sink. The stress of trying to survive on my own, loneliness, and a multitude of other problems, like my neighbour constantly yelling at her dog, was really getting to me. I started on a new medication and made plans to move.

I now rent a room in the gorgeous 1920's house of a member from my mother's church. Having other people to say "hello" to at least, has been nice. My mood had been improving on the new meds, to the point that I attempted taking a chemistry course. The drug's effects seem to be wearing off, though, and my mood has plummeted again. I dropped out of the course and am now generally miserable. I feel useless and have started to hate myself (something I've never experienced before). I've been having suicidal thoughts; I worry I may act on them. I promised myself I'd never attempt suicide again...

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I feel terrible.

Tonight at night school we started covering moles and molar mass (grade 11 chemistry). The teacher didn't give a very in depth explanation of how to calculate these things. I had completed part of this course through correspondence a few years back, but it was like learning it again for the first time.

I feel stupid, like I should know this stuff. I know this is just one of those useless human emotions, but I can't shake the feeling.

I spoke to my mother about taking on more courses at a time in order to re-enter university by next Fall. She was concerned that I would not be able to handle it. She's probably right, which makes me feel worse. I haven't been able to complete a course in years; I always let my mood get in the way.

Am I just really weak-willed? I've heard of/spoken with numerous people who were able to keep going, be productive, despite suffering from depression. They kept on working anyway. I really don't know how they did it. Whenever my mood drastically lowers, I just cannot function. I can't even contemplate doing some of the simplest things, like brushing my teeth, let alone getting to class.