Portals

For over a year now, I've been having eye problems. On numerous occasions I have woken up in the morning in agony. I have the most excruciating pain in my right eye. I'm not sure how to describe it. I know that the pain is on the front of the eye, under the upper lid. I've never been scratched there, but I assume it feels similar.

All my attempts to alleviate this pain do not help. Rubbing it, trying to hold it open, trying to hold it shut, warm damp cloths, cool damp cloths -nothing works. I'm extremely light sensitive during these attacks, making it unbearable to open my eye more than a slit when a light is on.

The extreme pain lasts about 10-15 minutes, after which time it begins to dull and move to the sides and back of the eye. The aching lasts for a few hours, sometimes for the rest of the day.

One week ago, I experienced the worst one yet. I got in to see the optometrist the day after. They could not find anything wrong. My eye was apparently perfectly healthy. It happened again this morning, and I managed to get in for an emergency appointment. I had hoped that by being checked out while the pain was still present they might find something.

I don't know if it was because I was checked so soon after the attack, but they found something this time. My cornea has an excess of water, and in certain spots one of the layers of my eye is not anchored to the layer beneath. I am to start using eye drops and an ointment to fix these problems. It is uncertain whether or not these are the cause of the attacks.

I return for a follow-up appointment in two weeks.

Somniphobia?

Alors, it is nearly 3:00 am, and the keen observer will note that I am not asleep. I've dealt with insomnia for many years, though of late I have developed what I can only describe as a "dread" of going to sleep. When this occurs, I do try to force myself to sleep, though it does not always work, such as right now. I've been using my time awake researching various sleep disorders.

Somniphobia seems to be the best candidate. Of course, as with most of the medical "merde" I experience, it's either unexplainable, or only partially describes an accepted diagnosis, to the point of confusion. I've found a wonderful blog post on this particular disorder, with ample comments from fellow sufferers( http://disorder-sleep.blogspot.com/2006/07/somniphobia-fear-of-sleep.html ).

The most common reasons for the "dread" seem to be a fear of dying whilst asleep or having nightmares. I don't fear dying in my sleep -none of that Greek 'Sleep and his twin brother Death', I'm afraid; it would be the best way to go, anyway. I quite enjoy dreaming, and am disappointed when I cannot recall any dreams from the previous night. I don't mind nightmares, either; they may be terrifying at the time, but I find them simply interesting afterwards. Fervently not wanting to sleep contradicts my desire to dream (which is much easier to do while asleep). Some posters also mention a fear of "not being able to sleep", which seems the least logical, and therefore, "logically", it should be the reason for my dread *grins*. Nope. I have to be even more special! *rolls eyes*

Anxiety and depression (both of which I deal with) can also be factors, though the links are not so clear. It is true that some nights, my mind refuses to shut up (in a talking to me kind of way, how I assume "normal" people think; on average, my thoughts seem to be more like...well I don't exactly know how to define it), but this just gives me all the more reason to wish for unconsciousness.

One issue that a few people mention is the paranormal. This may be the root of my phobia, even though this is far from my thoughts during nights like this...As a child I experienced a great deal of the paranormal, which was frightening, to say the least (I'll make a post on the subject later). It just seems odd that something which occurred so long ago could be having an effect now.

Conversely, at times I often dread being awake when I get up in the morning...